Today we'll go through the......arched window

Today, children, we shall go through the arched window and see that the builders have been very, very busy taking more of the roof off and building the gable end wall. They've finished for the weekend now but will be back on Monday morning, bright and early, building Boosh Barn. They're all working so well but we're at the stage where there's a lot going on but not a lot to report.


Fiona's been working very hard and seems to be doing far more than the scheduled three days per week. She gets to go to loads of exotic places. Sample itinerary - Nottingham today, Sheffield on Monday then on to Marlow Bottom, followed by High Wycombe Tuesday, Wednesday, staying with Fayester Hamster.

Lovely surprise tonight - knock on the door, argument as to who was going to open it (Fif was washing up(!) and I was making dumplings - how domesticated?) - I lost but won really as there was Hannah on the doorstep a day earlier than planned. Then Penny arrived, she's down for the week for some work trials, and it's great to see her.

Tom's in Sweden for a gig with his friend's band. He flew over there this morning, from Stansted, back on Sunday. He's getting to love the rock lifestyle a little too much but has promised he's going to complete his finals - it's out now, published for all the world to see, so he can't renege! He's the good looking one in the picture above (everyone says he looks like me.....) playing keyboards with U R Penetrators, the band he's in.

And brain-box here? Well, brain has been continuing in the same vein (haha, sub-arachnoid in-joke methinks!) with tiredness, forgetfulness big style and inability to make decisions in general. Frustrating? I should say so!

Happy Birthday Hannah - 24 today!

Happy birthday Han! Can't believe I have a 24 year old, but I am sooo proud of her and can't wait to see her at the weekend. Tom's in Sweden - on tour!!! - so can't make it.

Lots of roof activity today. In fact whilst up to now the barn's been looking like it's rocketing ahead it now looks worse than ever with a lot of one wall knocked out, no roof and bits of ceiling fallen in.

I found the following letter from a brain on a really great sub-arachnoid site (behindthegray) and it sums up what's going on in my head perfectly - wish I'd written it!

Hello,

I’m glad to see that you are awake! This is your brain talking. I had to find some way to communicate with you. I feel like I barely survived WWIII and am still not quite all in one piece. That’s why I need you. I need you to take care of me.

As time passes and you and I feel better and better, people, even doctors, will tell you that we are fine, “it’s time to get on with life.” That sounds good to me and probably even better to you. But before you go rushing back out into that big wide world, I need you to listen to me, really listen. Don’t shut me out. Don’t tune me out. When I’m getting into trouble I’ll need your help more than I ever have before.

I know that you want to believe that we are going to be the same. I’ll do my best to make that happen. The problem is that too many people in our situation get impatient and try to rush the healing process; or when their brains can’t fully recover they deny it and, instead of adapting, they force their brains to function in ways they are no longer able too. Some people even push their brains until they seize, and worse… I’m scared. I’m afraid that you will do that to me. If you don’t accept me I am lost. We both will be lost.

How can I tell you how much I need you now? I need you to accept me as I am today… not for what I used to be, or what I might be in the future. So many people are so busy looking at what their brains used to do, as if past accomplishments were a magical yardstick to measure present success or failures, that they fail to see how far their brains have come. It’s as if here is shame, or guilt, in being injured. Silly, huh?

Please don’t be embarrassed or feel guilt, or shame, because of me. We are okay. We have made it this far. If you work with me we can make it even further. I can’t say how far. I won’t make any false promises. I can only promise you this, that I will do my best.

What I need you to do is this: because neither of us knows how badly I’ve been hurt (things are still a little foggy for me), or how much I will recover, or how quickly, please go s-l-o-w-l-y when you start back trying to resume your life. If I give you a headache, or make you sick to your stomach, or make you unusually irritable, or confused, or disoriented, or afraid, or make you feel that you are overdoing it, I’m trying to get your attention in the only way I can. Stop and listen to me.

I get exhausted easily since being hurt, and cannot succeed when overworked. I want to succeed as much as you do. I want to be as well as I can be, but I need to do it at a different pace than I could before I got hurt. Help me to help us by paying attention and heeding the messages I send to you.

I will do my part to do my very best to get us back on our feet. I am a little worried though that if I am not exactly the same… you will reject me and may even want to kill us. Other people have wanted to kill their brains, and some people have succeeded. I don’t want to die, and I don’t want you to die.

I want us to live, and breath and be, even if being is not the same as it was. Different may be better. It may be harder too, but I don’t want you to give up. Don’t give up on me. Don’t give up on yourself. Our time here isn’t through yet. There are things that I want to do and I want to try, even if trying has to be done in a different way. It isn’t easy. I have to work very hard, much harder, and I know that you do too. I see people scoff, and misunderstand. I don’t care. What I do care about is that you understand how hard I am working and how much I want to be as good as I can be, but I need you to take good care of us, as well as you can do that.

Don’t be ashamed of me. We are alive. We are still here. I want the chance to try to show you what we are made of. I want to show you the things that are really important in life. We have been given another chance to be better, to learn what is really important. When it is finally time for our final exit I would like to look back and feel good about what we made of us and out of everything that made up our life, including this injury. I cannot do it without you. I cannot do it if you hate me for the way being injured has affected me and our life together. Please try not to be bitter in grief. That would crush me.

Please don’t reject me. There is little I can do without you, without your determination to not give up. Take good care of us and of yourself. I need you very much, especially now.

Love

your wounded brain

©1996 Stephanie St. Claire

Tap dancing today, but fell off.....

Plumbing, heating, kitchens, bathrooms - had to talk about all of these today. This is the opportunity of a lifetime - renovating a barn, kitting it out from scratch and yet it is so hard for me to do. Timing can be soooo cruel. Barn v. brain and it seems that brain is winning at the moment. Paul and Danny, two lovely gentlemen from the plumbing company tried to make it easy for me but even their first, most simple, question had me stumped (I think it was something like, "how many bathrooms are we looking at?") and after that it was downhill all the way. Anyway, as ever, FifiBucks saved the day and got everything sorted with both Paul and Danny and with Heather from the kitchen shop. I had to have a sleep between the two meetings, couldn't even manage fruit pastilles, let alone lunch.


Outside the builders brought the roof down, with the old asbestos roofing sheets being disposed of. The new roof should be completed, weather permitting, within about five weeks.

Hospital hamster home

Our friend Faye is a bit of a keep-fit fanatic. She's also feeling very sorry for herself today, and so she should, as she's been into hospital to have her wisdom teeth out (she's pictured above). Aaah. She's home alone recuperating and is labouring under the misapprehension that she'll be able to catch up on coursework, dissertation-type clever stuff, but we'll see! We tried to persuade her to come up here to the Boosh Barn Convalescent Home but I think the sight of a site of builders' bums would've been too much for her. Still, we wish her well and trust her hamster features will recede soon.

Today should've been the start of roof removal - asbestos sheets being disposed of via the builders and then new joists, beams, slates etc. to go up. That's not started yet, not sure why, but George has been doing wonders with over the window features. Tomorrow we have appointments with heating/plumbing and kitchen designers/suppliers to befuddle us even further. Oh, the choice!

Spent all of today in bed - aching neck and back, headache, extreme tiredness (for a change!) and feeling a little too much like SAH-day for comfort. Fiona did the scale of 1-10 comparison. Taking SAH-day as a 10 then today is probably a 3 so nowhere near as painful and shocking but enough to worry and wonder if there's a bit of a leak. I think, if I'm being totally honest, that I've got underlying worries about going to see the magic doctor as I really don't know what to expect and there's aneurysm number two to look at.

Fiona's been hard at work in the home office today but has kept me well supplied with tea, of which I can't seem to get enough at the moment. Tea and fruit pastilles, a strange combination......not sure Faye will be up to either of those at the moment. Unless, of course, you can liquidise pastilles......

Revenge of the chewed

Wahey, forgot to say, got my laptop back! New cable arrived, all is working fine, and here's the promised picture of the Biff-meister so he doesn't feel left out.

Feel free to skip the post below......

The previous post tells the story of what happened when my brain went ping. It's the first time I've even attempted to face up to it so it's rather long. That longevity isn't reflected in the other posts so please don't be put off.......................

Pink and yellow, the sub-arachnoid colours

So, we've moved up to Cheshire on September 4th, settled in to the farm with Dad, then started the remote/commute work routine which was going well. The evening of 21st September saw a reunion of the drama group to which I used to belong. I was trying to get ready whilst Fiona was on the phone trying to get some sense out of our potential (but eventually ditched) house purchaser. I say trying to get ready because I was having a rather large problem with the side zip of selected trousers. Giving up in despair I sat on the bed then felt the biggest explosion behind my right eye followed almost immediately by a severe headache and then an incredibly painful and stiff neck. Thinking I'd trapped a nerve through abortive zipping I spent the rest of the evening and most of the next day in bed, unable to turn my neck or move my head without feeling pain or nausea. My eyes were also sensitive to light. Gradually it began to ease thanks to Fif's ministrations of a trapped nerve cure and I spent the rest of the weekend with Fiona, Hannah and Scott doing barn-type things - gingerly.

Monday's alarm rang all too soon, I stretched pre-get up and, wham bam, same thing happens but even more severely. This time we decided to call the doctor but, half way through the call I asked Fif to ring the ambulance. Don't know why, just knew that things were not at all right. Everything then begins to get a bit hazy. I do recall very strongly that I was in spasm, kind of curled inwards with my arms bent and locked above my chest and I was somehow over, under and around a huge aura of pink light that seemed to be emanating from a trough where my torso normally is.......so weird but not unpleasant. And really deep inside my head I felt absolutely fine and dandy, just not sure what was going on outside! I recall a paramedic putting a stiff, plastic collar on me and trying to get needles into my arms; being slid onto a stretcher; being lifted high in the air, down the stairs and outside into the ambulance; more attempts with needles and, eventually, extreme bumping down the drive. All the while I was living inside my head, I couldn't open my eyes and don't recall pain as such, just an inability to do anything and a form of paralysis.

Drifting in and out of consciousness on the journey to Leighton Hospital I vaguely remember being taken out of the ambulance and then nothing at all until waking up at North Staffs Neurological Hospital a couple of days later. Pre-op memories from there are extremely fragmented. I do remember seeing numbers flashing immediately in front of my eyes, like a timebomb ticking down, and a kind, friendly disembodied voice asking me if I could feel anything warm in my body. I could, but thought it should be near where the numbers were and, as the warmth was around the groin area, thinking I'd wet myself. This amused Mr Kind Friendly Voice somewhat. Don't know which hospital this was in.

I recall two surgeons coming to visit me, offering me three choices of surgery (for a trapped nerve?!?) and me eventually saying Fiona and Penny would have to decide as the medical men were throwing numbers and stats around in a very confusing manner. It never even dawned on me that I was asking them to pick a card, any card, as long as it was the card for life. When the decision was made I remember one of the surgeons coming back to my bedside to tell me I'd made a huge mistake and that I should let him operate, not the other surgeon. I remember this distressed me a lot as I think he was waving his arms around and banging on the wall and I was on my own. I remember, the night before the operation (still not knowing what was wrong with me just that I might not survive), thinking that this might be the last night I spent on earth and, the next morning being taken to theatre, thinking that I might never wake up again and my last sight of this world would be a hospital corridor. It was upsetting, of course it was, but equally I was so out of it that there are fortunately just fleeting recollections of those feelings.

My eyes snapped open and all I could see was a yellow wall, with the instant, lucid, thought that I was alive and absolutely fine, then being wheeled along a corridor and opening my eyes to see Fiona, Hannah and Tom sitting at the bedside. It seemed that each time I opened my eyes there was another family member there. The two visitors to a bed rule had gone out the window! As I became more compus mentus I could feel the drips and drains protruding and dangling from every limb, head, neck and hands with beeps from the machinery behind my extremely comfortable bed. It was here that I discovered I'd had a sub-arachnoid haemorrhage caused by a ruptured aneurysm and that I had a second aneurysm which will need to be assessed later this month on the first post-op hospital appointment. A couple of days later I was moved from the High Dependency unit to a four-bed ward from where I was discharged a few days later.

Since then I've been learning to live with a brain-under-repair and come to terms with the close shave. Given the stats I know and appreciate just how lucky I've been - immensely lucky - and I'm so grateful to everyone for the prayers, healing and love that has been sent (not to mention the magic surgeon and his pioneering skill). I really don't know how to begin to thank my family - Fiona, Penny, Dad, Hannah, Tom and all the others - for their love and support and for having to put up with the current me which I know isn't always easy......and everyone at both my workplace and Fiona's workplace for their support, patience and constant encouragement. I do know now how fragile and precious life is and that nothing is more important than appreciating what we have.

Hannah did try to fill in the gaps from the pink and yellow times but I couldn't take it in then. I've been avoiding asking Fiona as, knowing what not only I, but all the family, went through will really show up the vulnerability of life. But I also need to know and I think I'll be ready to find out soon. In the meantime it's onwards and upwards - with, no doubt, some steps backwards - until it's magic surgeon time and we can see which direction to take.

Build up to the barn

Reading back, this blog, like my brain, is very scrambled. Indeed, it is a befuddled blog. Time to unfuddle. This post will give a barn background, the next a brain background.
In May 2006 we were living in Buckinghamshire in a converted barn (we like barns) but were contemplating moving to a very old cottage in its own grounds with outbuildings for pottery studios and a garden ripe for pottering. It had been on the market for some months with one or two unsuccessful attempts at completion, but we thought it was perfect and felt like it had been waiting for us. There was another interested couple; we both had properties on the market so it became a race. In the meantime Mum and Dad came down to the Chelsea Flower Show and we met them for dinner. Having shown them the details of Sun Cottage they asked why we were going to pay almost half a million when we could renovate Boosh Barn for a fraction of that but, although Fif was keen, I didn't think I was ready to move back home. A couple of days later Mum and Dad flew to Italy and we, with our house in the hands of the estate agent, flew to Dubai. We'd been there a few days when we heard that we'd lost the Sun Cottage race then, a couple of days later, we got the terrible news that Mum had died in Italy. Dad couldn't leave the home they'd created together - well, just look at the pictures and you'll see why - but couldn't live there alone so, without hesitation, we said we'd move up to be with him. We moved back to Cheshire in September, having (not without trauma) sold our house and having agreed with our respective companies that we'd work remotely, making regular weekly office trips back South. This worked well for a couple of weeks, then came the brain..........

Mea Culpa

What a terrible thing to say - "must get a life". How very dare I be so ungrateful. Yes I have lumpy skull, much tiredness, verbal diarrhoea, jangliness etc. but I am so lucky to have my life so apologies for ingratitude and thankfulness for life.

Still taking pictures of scaffolding, ergo still not got a life, but did get one picture in daylight after staggering out of bed just before noon. The barn is smothered in the scaffolding stuff! And George the brickie has been brickying all the while whilst Steve has arranged for their kitchen/bathroom/heating contacts to come and see us on Tuesday to add to the growing file of designs and costs - there's so much choice now and it's getting too confusing for words.....

Still incredibly tired but stayed vertical for a whole two hours before more sleep, then woke to take some additional 'scaffolding at dusk' images and do some work on the getting a life score. Tried to get Fif and I on a singing course but it's fully booked so have booked me on a creative writing course and am waiting to see what her indoors would like to do. Might even enrol for Salsa......This is, of course, only the beginning.

Scaffolding by starlight

Just let Benji out for his evening constitutional so took a picture of the scaffolding by starlight.......like you do. Must get a life.

You've read the blog, now meet the cats.....

Much has been mentioned in this blog about the exploits of Delius. Indeed, you may be forgiven for thinking he is our only feline. Not so, here's a lowdown on the rest of the furs, in chronological order, three of whom are pictured above in their usual state of luxury:

Babeski - the matriarch who is, despite all odds, probably going to outlive everyone. She's about 14 years old now. Fiona has had her since she was a tiny fluffball. Some 10 - 12 years ago she had a very serious accident in which she lost her tail and was left a little disabled at the rear end. Consequently she can be extremely grumpy and will most definitely attack if her back and back legs are approached. She's recently been involved in a fracas with cat/cats unknown but once again survived against the odds (picture posted earlier in December - see archive).

Phoebe - Hannah's pride and joy, acquired from the RSPCA in Blackpool. Phoebe loves hanging around in carrier bags or in drawers and likes to eat alone, usually behind a curtain. She's also been pretty careless in the tail department, losing it when running under a gate that had a board attached to keep the tortoise (more on her at a later date) in.....Phoebe's the tabby pictured and, despite her foibles, is extremely loving and kind.

Biffur - Biffur has birth connections with Boosh Barn as his mother, Daisy, was born here. There were four kittens born in the pig sty. We had one, Penny had one, Lynne had one and one we couldn't catch so it stayed roaming around the farm. Penny ended up with the one we wanted as she was caught first, put in Penny's car where she (the kitten) found her way behind the dashboard and needed the full might of not only the RAC but also the AA to extricate her, write off the car and then wreck a brand new fitted kitchen.....anyway, we took Daisy who turned out to be a bit of a strumpet, got herself pregnant and had four kittens. We kept 2 - Biffur and George. Sadly George died in a roadrage incident at the beginning of last year and Daisy is on the missing cats list down in Buckinghamshire. Biffur, however, is still with us but spends a lot of time outdoors so has not been photographed for this post*.

Babooshka - mother of Delius, pure-bred Birman, and Fiona's 40th birthday present, pride and joy. She is constantly vying with Babeski for the throne and has been witnessed on at least two occasions attempting a coup by trying to push her down the stairs. Alternates between extremely loving and extremely calculating. She had a wild, passionate affair with a very large black stud, resulting in five kittens, Delius being the first-born and only one to be born without assistance from the resident midwife (aka me). I had to hand-deliver the other four as Babooshka couldn't possibly push any more. In fact, number 5 (now owned by Penny and called Snefru), was delivered by the vet, at the vets, after a midnight dash with Snefru half in, half out of the back passage......we know it was Sneffy as he has a curious kink at the end of his tail from being coaxed out into the big wide world.

Delius - first-born son of Babooshka, not yet 12 months old and a serious contender for the title of Biggest Cat In The World.......Ever. He's a fur of simple brain, living only for cat food, caressing and cable chewing.

* I have lovely pictures of Biff but they're on my laptop which I can't use due to cable-chewing incident, as reported yesterday. It is not proving easy to purchase a replacement.

And today's barn and brain report - all's ok on the barn front. Scaffold is being erected although not yet complete due to extremely windy weather. Will take pictures tomorrow but slept a lot of today. Brain started off exceedingly well and lively - for about an hour - but then rapidly went downhill, descending into the very, very, overwhelmingly tired department, resulting in bed for most of the afternoon. Not too bad currently but temperature a bit erratic. Memory's not so good either, I think, but I can't quite remember.....

Cable-nit pussycat

telephone chargers - 3
laptop adapters - 1
This is the latest Delius' chew-chart. Cables have to be plugged in for that extra shock factor, essential to modern-day living and absolutely must be difficult and/or expensive to replace.

On the barn front, haven't mentioned much about it as there's no sense worrying until it's necessary, but the builders WILL be re-starting work tomorrow. There have (or have there?) been some planning issues which are hopefully resolved now. I won't go into them at this stage as it doesn't do to rock the boat; suffice to say that red tape and bureaucracy is alive and kicking....must finish here, battery extremely low and no means of charging... thanks Delius!

Eyes Down, Look In

Well, it's New Year's Eve and how did we celebrate? Given our joint connections have we been to celeb parties, VIP dinners, Caribbean cruises? No, we've been to Bingo of course. We went to Gala Bingo in Widnes with Aunty Shirl and Shirley (but no Sharon). Now Shirley (perm any one of two) is always lucky and wins something - apart from tonight but we bagged £113 between us. Hey hey, Happy New Year! Then popped into the Club (what an age range!) for a New Year drink before dropping A Shirl off at home.

Earlier today we did some shopping and saw the blind man who is destined to perpetually tap his white stick between over and St John's. He walked into a belisha beacon which made me chortle and Fif tell me off for being bad - I know it was bad but it was the devil in me.

So, it's an end to 2006 which has been pretty crap to say the least but I didn't die so that's something. Part of me is glad to see the end of it and part of me doesn't want to as I shared this year with my Mum and I won't share any other with her. I miss her so much.....

Too many lovelies

I'm always too quick, rushing at things like a bull in a china shop. Anyway, realised there are far too many lovelies in the previous post and made a mistake with every instead of ever. Also forgot to give Mags a mention (really great to meet you at last, Mags) - she works for Nestle and was intrigued by the Fruit Pastilles fetish.
I've got a very lumpy head today for some reason. Don't like it at all.

Hinge & Bracket

We've been to probably the nicest wedding I've every been to. It was in Acton Trussell which has been amusing me for some time - Hinge & Bracket/Stackton Tressell for which the filming location, incidentally, is close to Boosh Barn in Great Budworth and, strangely, Fif and I have been compared to H & B.... can't think why. Anyway, J and N got hitched yesterday and it was a lovely, lovely event. The setting was lovely, hotel excellent, wedding breakfast, evening do - all superb. And I swear there wasn't a dry eye in the house. Aah. Other than that, not a lot happening except Dad won at bridge on Thursday night - which was nice.

It's been a busy couple of days with the whole family coming and going (except Chris and Val who are in the US). Hannah, Tom and Scott have departed - boo, work beckons and they've got a busy January - Hannah's enrolling on a photography course, Tom's off to Sweden for a couple of days as roadie for Doug's band and Scott's saying thank you for the music but it's time to work in the real world...... I've been playing with my presents, particularly the DS Light to increase subba-brain power. Dr Fuji-wotsit's brain academy one is really good (mental age down to 34!), but you can't beat the oldies - Super Mario is definitely educational and I'm delighted I've not lost my Tetris-touch. And who needs a Nintendog when we've got Benji? Bathed him again today as he was beginning to look more Scottie than Westie. I've realised that he's a good conduit for some of the sub-arach-after-effects; apparently, so Fiona tells me, along with the post-op addiction to Rowntree's Fruit Pastilles I've also developed mega-acute verbal diarrhoea so I just waffle on to Benji in the bath and everyone's happy.

MERRY CHRISTMAS EVERYBODY!

Dad, Fiona and I have just come back from Church. Midnight service which was longer than anticipated. Got home to find our fast-becoming-a-tradition Snowballs, complete with cherry, ready (Scotch for Dad, he's not your average snowball drinker). Our resident Dibley vicar was at her other parish tonight so we had a male minister from a nearby parish. He was good but not as good as our very own Geraldine Granger.......left her highly ir-reverend Christmas gift with her husband who had been singing in the choir, and explained about the Delius chewed corner of the gift. He's eaten his way through a whole box of crackers - the paper and present variety not Jacobs......hard to believe, given his immense bulk, that he's not yet one year old and this is his first Christmas.

Jangle Bells

All broken up for Christmas now, so very quiet on the building front. However, for the Canadian readers here is Shirl, Fif and Steve in our kitchen. Today, as in the majority of households the length and breadth of the land, has been a day of prep for Christmas Day. We've iced the Christmas cake, Fifi's made a super special trifle, turkeys are about to be stuffed......

Hannah gave Benj a Christmas shower which he loves, with his special fox mange shampers. His symptoms have abated and he's much happier and more settled now.

So what's in the trailer, I hear you ask. It is.......a potter's wheel that a kind soul gave to Fiona. As soon as she's able - carers duties, building control and work permitting - she shall be resuming her pottery career.

On the brain front I'm not sleeping so well again. Wake up at 5am each morning with the 'janglies', the only way to describe the persistent, relentless brain activity when thoughts dash about inside my head swerving, ducking, diving and dog-fighting, some to remain but most to dissipate, dissolve and fade into obscurity, never to be retrieved. It's like walking into a kitchen at a party and being submerged in fifteen conversations all going on at once. And then there're the limb jerks when my ankles will suddenly flex and arms involuntarily tweak. None of which is conducive to sleep, ergo non-conducive to restorative days. Ah well, things can only get better....

All for one and one for all

Best Christmas present ever - all the peeps I love best together.
On the barn front there was only Steve and one other working today; the whole team'll be back straight after new year. Hope they're not sick of mince pies by then as when they come back they'll be eating the ones we got them for the season of goodwill. But - they are excellent, the barn's looking great.
I spent most of today making a Delia soup of origin de Francais with the prodigals' favourite things in it. Grace and Sheila dropped in - it was lovely to see them although Sheila's year seems as bad as ours. Let's hope next year is better.
Another midnight foray to Tesco for chilled and frozen, with just a few forgotten ambients (get the foodie speak!) now that the new fridge freezer's arrived - hurray, space! No smashed windows this time though, oh, and thanks, Mr Autoglass for a fine job on the thuggery handiwork.